


Father

by sagawanuno



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23611006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagawanuno/pseuds/sagawanuno
Summary: Ginoza was lying in his bed, unable to fall asleep. The memories overflowed his head.





	Father

Ginoza was lying in his bed, unable to fall asleep. The memories overflowed his head. 'I remember, once in my childhood, I asked my father to come sleep in my bed. I wouldn't ask him, if my mother wasn't at the hospital. I was afraid of sleeping alone in my dark room'. 

'Father always slept in the sitting-room, on the sofa. He got used to it, so he couldn't sleep well in bed. I hesitated, but stepped inside the sitting-room and shook his big and strong shoulder. Father woke up almost immediately. I was so afraid and embarrassed, I was going to burst out crying'. 

'He looked me in the eyes with a great concern and asked: 'What's wrong with you, Nobuchika?' I said: 'Um, dad, will you please come to my room?' He questioned: 'What for?' I answered: 'For us to sleep together'. He chuckled at that, but didn't refuse. Father stood up and tousled my hair as he said: 'Well, let's go then, little one'. 

'I remember the warmth of his powerful body, and the feeling of protection his hands gave me. I remember myself nuzzling to his chest, and the beat of my Father's heart. I remember these things, but I can't recollect, what my father's smell was like. It's a disappointing seepage, I would like to refill. I want to recollect'. 

Ginoza stood up and got dressed. He put on a dark-green turtleneck sweater, beige trousers, black sneakers and a black coat. He went out of his flat and locked up the door with his key. He got inside his car and turned on the engine. In several seconds, the silhouette of the dark-blue block of flats Ginoza lived in, could only be seen in the rearview mirror. 

'I can't believe I'm going to see him on my own', Ginoza told himself. Sometimes it occurred to him that he was being kind of an egoist. 'When the Sybil System was launched, my father couldn't recognize that since then he is not the one who judges the criminal. The one who does is an ideal creature of which we only have a vague picture. I should've not left him alone with this new establishment, with this new world, erected right in front of our eyes. I should've been more careful than I've ever been. I should've been a better son'. 

Ginoza stopped the car near the block of flats his Father lived in. His heart was beating crazily. 'What if he doesn't even want to see me?', Ginoza thought anxiously. He got out of the car and inhaled deeply. The air was cold and painful with its snowflakes spiraling down. Ginoza entered the building. 

When got to the right floor, Ginoza knocked on the door of his Father's flat. Masaoka opened the door in several seconds, as if he was waiting for his son to come tonight. The old man with a scar crossing both his lips smiled and said: 'Hello, Inspector'. Ginoza embarrassed as if he was a child again. He pulled himself together and said: 'Hello, Father. May I come in?'.

'Sure, you can', Masaoka said and stepped away in order to let in Ginoza. 'Thank you', the Inspector said as he entered Masaoka's flat. The enforcer watched his son take off the outdoor clothes. He noticed: 'How long was it since you called me 'Father' for the last time?' Ginoza flushed. He said: 'Guess, ages ago'. 'Yeah', Masaoka sighed. 

'What led you to my place tonight, Nobuchika?', the enforcer asked. Ginoza took off his shoes and straightened up. The more he said, the more he flushed: 'I couldn't sleep. I remembered us sleeping together in my room, when I was a little boy. I considered you could help me fall asleep. That's why I'm here'. Masaoka chuckled: 'Nice. Well, feel at home'. Ginoza said: 'I am at home'. The enforcer raised his eyebrows surprisingly. His son added: 'My home is where you are, Father'. 

They sat on the sofa next to each other. Masaoka exclaimed out of the blue as he got closer to the Inspector: 'Are you my son for real?!' Ginoza nearly jumped out of his skin at that: 'Yes, I am!' The enforcer seemed relaxed: 'I can't believe you've said it. Well, you want me to help you fall asleep, don't you?' His son nodded: 'Right. Do you sleep on the sofa as before?' Masaoka smiled: 'I do. Do you want me to give you pyjamas, or anything?' Ginoza shook his head: 'It seems to me your clothes is too big for me. Everything's okay, I don't need pyjamas'. 'I see'. 

Ginoza looked his Father in the eyes and said: 'Father, listen, before we go to bed, I want to tell you something'. 'What is it?' 'Please... Forgive me for everything I've done wrong'. The Inspector took his Father's hand. 'Nobuchika... I'm not offended, you know. In spite of that, I'm glad you are sorry. It isn't your fault'. Masaoka smiled and added: 'So, it is late. Do you want to drink a glass of milk with honey?'

Ginoza thought he definitely misheard. 'What? Milk with honey? Do you still remember I used to drink that before going to bed?' 'Of course, I do. You got matured so fast, son. It happened in a blink of an eye!' The Inspector's eyes filled with tears. Ginoza whispered as he embraced Masaoka: 'Oh, Father... I'm so ashamed of myself! Will you ever be able to forgive me?' The enforcer stroked his son's back with his hand. 'I said, I've forgiven you. There's no need to worry anymore'. 

'Oh, please... I was being awful. I acted as if didn't know you, as if I wasn't your son! How can you treat me so kindly after all the things I've done, Father?' Masaoka sighed: 'It's easy, Nobuchika. Parental love is unconditional, no matter what. Hold on, love, don't cry...' Ginoza nuzzled to his Father's shoulder and burst out crying. The longer he cried, the more relief he felt. 

Masaoka reminded softly as he noticed Ginoza calmed down a little: 'Let's go and fill you a glass of milk with honey, boy'. His son could only nod. An absolution felt exhausting, but pleasant and freeing. The Inspector sat by the table while his Father was getting ready the milk. 'Here you are', Masaoka said as he placed the glass in front of Ginoza. 'Thank you', his son said, took the glass and did a little gulp of milk. 'Would you like to add more honey?', the enforcer asked. 'No, thank you. It's enough'. 

Masaoka's eyes lingered at his son's face. He noticed: 'You grew up such a beautiful man, Nobuchika... Can I take off your glasses?' Ginoza put down his glass and said: 'Yes, you can'. Then, his Father put off his glasses and questioned: 'Why on earth do you wear it? You always had good eyesight'. The Inspector smiled: 'It's a good question, but I hope you remember... I started wearing glasses when you left my Mother and me alone. I was in the middle-school back then. I treated your decision to live on your own as a betrayal'. 

'It didn't mean that I haven't loved you anymore. I was just confused and hurt, that was why I started ignoring you. I thought it could help me ease my pain, but the right way was not to erase the trace you made in my life, but to admit you had your own weak sides. As I said, I was too egoistic. By making the decision to leave us, you just intended to protect us, nothing more... I'm sorry, dad. I love you'. Ginoza finished his speech with tears running down his face, but with a happy smile.

Masaoka sighed with a warm smile and said: 'So do I. Finish your milk, little one'. 'Okay'. Ginoza dried his tears with the front side of his hand, swallowed his milk and commented: 'It was so sweet and as warm as it was in my childhood. I like it'. The enforcer reminded: 'It seems to me you haven't explained why you hide your eyes yet, have you?' The Inspector opened his mouth, intending to continue the story, but Masaoka interrupted him: 'No, I'll work it out myself, okay?' Ginoza nodded. 

'Well, let's see... Your eyes. They're green, just like your Mother's, right? Despite of that, I reminisce, you used to say that they were similar, your eyes and mine. It is about their shape, not the colour. You thought me a traitor, when I started living on my own. For you, a child, I was a bad man, corrupted and unstable. And you had my eyes. It was unbearable for you to take anything after me. That was why you decided to hide our similarity, to hide your eyes behind the glasses. Am I right, Nobuchika?'

'Everything's right', Ginoza said. He couldn't help flushing. 'Please, I finished drinking the milk, let's go to bed'. Masaoka smiled: 'Okay. Will you help me handle the sofa?' Ginoza looked up at his Father as he took away the glass and put it into the dishwasher: 'Sure, I will'. They came back into the sitting-room and got ready the sofa. After that, Ginoza pulled off his dark-green sweater and beige trousers. He had a black T-shirt and black boxers underneath. While the Inspector was busy taking off his clothes, Masaoka fetched one more pillow for his son. 

They lied on the sofa, both on their backs. Ginoza hesitated, staring at the ceiling. In a couple of minutes of silence, Masaoka said: 'Come on, Nobuchika. The only thing you would like to do the most is to hug me with both your hands, as tight as you can, right? Just like when you were a little boy'. The Inspector sighed: 'You see right through me, dad'. The enforcer questioned: 'Then, what are you waiting for, son?' Ginoza turned his head to his Father: 'Don't you mind me embracing you?' Masaoka smiled: 'Of course, I don't. I've already let you know, haven't I?' 'Well... '

Ginoza put his hands around his Father's waist and pressed his cheek against his chest. He had heard his Father's heartbeat. Masaoka said, nuzzling to the top of his son's head: 'Nobuchika, tell me honestly... What is the main reason you've come here tonight?' 'Well, I wanted to recollect your smell, which was the only thing I couldn't remember'. 'So, did you succeed?' Ginoza inhaled and announced: 'Yeah, I did'. 'And what is my smell like?' 'It is like scent and whiskey. You always appreciated good alcohol, didn't you?' Masaoka chuckled at that: 'That's right!'

The enforcer stroked Ginoza's head and wished: 'Good night, sleep tight, sonny'. The Inspector said: 'You, too, dad'. 

***  
Masaoka died. Ginoza's artificial hand served as a reminder of what happened. There was no need to wear glasses anymore. At night the enforcer would put on his black coat and go to his Father's former flat. He opened the door and came in. After he took off his outdoor clothes, he turned on the light. It was silent and lonely, empty and full of sorrow. 

In the afternoon, Tsunemori asked Ginoza: 'What are you going to do with Mr Masaoka's flat?' The enforcer answered without any hesitation - it had been decided a long time ago: 'I'm going to keep it'. Nothing could change Ginoza's mind: it was his Father's flat. Nobody else could own it.

The enforcer changed into white T-shirt and grey trousers. Ginoza turned off the light and lied on the sofa. Despite of the fact, that he hid his head under the thick blanket, he could hear his mobile phone ring. Ginoza put aside the blanket and seized the phone. 'Hello?', he said. 'Hi, it's me', Kogami said from the other side. The enforcer smiled unwillingly: 'Long time no hear. Guess, it's useless to ask where you are, right?' 'Why not? I'm at your place. And it is me, who should ask. So, where are you, Gino?' 

Ginoza sighed: 'I'm in my Father's flat'. Out of the blue, the enforcer couldn't help crying. Kogami heard his tears: 'You aren't crying, are you?' Ginoza bit his lower lip that badly, it started bleeding: 'I am'. 'Do you want me to come?' 'In the other circumstances, I would like you to, but not tonight. There should be only my Father's memory and I. No one, but us. Hear me?' 'Yes. I understand, Gino. Well, I will call you up one more time later. Maybe, tomorrow, okay? Look after yourself'. 'Okay, thank you, Kogami. Watch your back, too. And… Please, wait!'

'What is it?' 'I want to impart a story with you'. 'Is it about Masaoka and you?' 'Yes, it is. Will you hear me out?' 'Yes, sure'. 'Thank you, Kogami. Well... Once I didn't pass the exam at the University. I was extremely upset and didn't want to come back home, because I wasn't meant to be a disappointment to my Mother. I couldn't explain properly how I got to my Father's house. It was like my own feet led me there against my intentions. So, I knocked on the door and dad appeared in front of me. I greeted him and asked if I could come in'. 

'Did he let you in?', Kogami asked. 'Yes, he did. Then, he asked me: 'Why did you come?' My voice shivered as I said: 'Dad, I failed my exam'. After that, I couldn't stay cold-blooded anymore. I burst out crying as if my failure was the biggest calamity I've ever experienced. I didn't expect that, but dad embraced me with both his hands. He kissed me on my forehead and said, soothing: 'It's okay, Nobuchika. Sometimes, things go wrong, but it's normal. There always is something out of your control. Don't push yourself too hard, just keep moving on'. 

'His words consoled me. And not only his words, but the fact that dad was sympathetic. It was not that I didn't expect him to act that way, but... I was in bad mood and couldn't imagine what to expect. I thought the whole world was going to reject me because of my failure. It was my Mother, who had always been strict. I mean, she wanted me to be the best, to be perfect, no matter what I did. And my Father was the person, in whom I could always find comfort'. 

'And what was next, after he soothed you?', Kogami questioned. Ginoza was silent for a moment, and then he said seriously: 'There was one thing, no one but my Father and I knew. It was our secret. Kogami, you are the first person I'm going to tell about it'. 'I appreciate that you confide in me'. 'Listen, I was fourteen then. A big boy, right? That day, my Father took me to the sitting-room in his house and told me to wait for him for a minute. I nodded and sat down on the sofa. It was big and comfortable. Then, I turned my head and saw a bottle of whiskey, placed onto the table'. 

'My Father was fond of good alcohol. He had a great collection of various drinks. I didn't really know what was on my mind then, but I stood up, came to the table, took the bottle and did several gulps. It was awful, bitter and hot. I wondered how I managed to swallow it. The fact was I did it. After that, I returned to where I sat earlier and saw my Father come back. He held a small notebook. Dad sat down next to me and said: 'Look, what I found'. He showed me the notebook. There were a lot of scratches all over it. I reminisced: 'It is my notebook, I used to draw in when I was a child.' 

'You are right, Nobuchika', he said. 'Please, take it. It is yours'. 'Wouldn't it be better for you to keep it? I don't mind it, really', I suggested. Father smiled: 'Okay, I'll keep it'. I lingered my eyes on him. Suddenly it came to my mind, that I should do one thing, which was regarded to be a sin. I would say that it was alcohol, that made me do that, but that was not the case. It was my own desire, came from the bottom of my heart. I turned my head to Father and kissed him on his lips. I remembered I could feel his scar with the tip of my tongue. He didn't push me away. Guess, he was shocked'. 

'When I turned my head away, flushing, Dad said in a low, sad voice: 'Nobuchika, you know I love you, but, please, don't ever do this again. And don't tell anyone you did it'. I could hardly nod. I was ashamed of my behaviour. That was the story. I don't know if my Father had forgotten the experience, but at least I hadn't. It is a weird combination, which I have been cultivating all my life: the hatred and the desire to get closer to him. I would like to know what he thought about what happened between us, but I didn't have a chance to ask him. I was afraid to find out that he hated me'. 

'He didn't hate you at all, Gino. Friendly reminder, you did things much more awful than kissing him, and Masaoka didn't stop caring about you, he didn't stop loving you. He did his best for you to be happy, isn't that right?', Kogami commented. 'Yes, it's true, but… I'm such a bad person, I'm almost a criminal! What kind of a man am I?!' Kogami said: 'Sometimes our sexual desire exists in weird forms'. Ginoza asked: 'Is it normal to want to kiss your own Father?'

'In terms of psychology, it is not. If you want to kiss your Mother when you are about six or seven years old, it is normal. It is called 'Oedipus complex'. Unfortunately, I don't know what psychology says about a boy loving his Father. Why don't you try to find out yourself?' The enforcer sighed: 'Yes, it is a profitable piece of advice, Kogami, but... What if psychology says it is normal, but only at a young age? I mean, I didn't fall out of love with my dad. It hasn't gone over the years'. 

The former enforcer chuckled: 'Guess, I should've come. You've got a lot to talk to me about, haven't you, Gino?' 'I've already explained why I didn't want you to come. By the way, are you still in my flat?' 'I am'. 'How did you enter?' 'I'll tell you next time we meet, okay?' 'Okay, I won't forget the promise', Ginoza smiled. 'Kogami, can you leave one of your things there?' 'I can, but what kind of a thing do you want?' 'Something, that is filled with your smell'. 'I see... The smell of a person you love is your downfall, isn't it?' 'You're right'. 'Well, then, I'll leave my shirt - the one I used to wear when I was an enforcer, remember?' 'Yes, I do. Thank you, Kogami'. They said goodbye to each other and put down their phones. Ginoza closed his eyes and fell asleep in no time. 

In the morning, Ginoza opened a wardrobe and took his Father's jacket. He squeezed it and sat down on the floor, sucking in the smell of the jacket. In the same wardrobe, the enforcer found a bottle of his dad's scent. Ginoza was aware of a room, situated upstairs; the room, which served his Father as an art-studio. He had never entered it before. The room was full of sunlight. There were a lot of canvases: some of them were blank, but most of them were not. Ginoza looked through the paintings and, among the landscapes, he noticed the portraits of himself. 

The enforcer took one of the portraits and peered at it. Ginoza in the picture looked gloomy and worried. Suddenly he realized that his Father used to observe him.


End file.
